We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
