the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.