Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
it was like eating out sand paper
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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