birth control should be required to get into college
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
