Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
