Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
