He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
My hand turned me down
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
