she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
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I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
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Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.