Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
