My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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