god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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