i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
