I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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