if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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