i think my mom watched the whole time
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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