so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
