I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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