I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
