Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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