Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
