Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
