listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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