1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
