Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
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Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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