I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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