Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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