so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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