I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
