yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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