What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
