I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
