I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
