I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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