Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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