One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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