I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
