Plan B is the new Plan A
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
