I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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