I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
