Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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