office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
