dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
