I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
