I'm so fucking centered right now
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
