you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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