The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
