Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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