Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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