while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
