I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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