Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The uberlube is also flammable
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
When are your genitals available?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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