do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
