Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
