From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
