Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
