i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
