she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
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Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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