Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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