I'm so fucking centered right now
Please, let me fuck your mom
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
