she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
