I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
