Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
